everyt ime

listening to fox academy and willow smith really helps me cope with my really negative thoughts, i'm really grateful for their existence in my playlist. i felt very much like crap just some minutes ago, but hey, the good thing is that now i produce words like milk. that sounds ridiculous but that's the only word that came to my mind when i want to write here. well, it's always that feeling again; the feeling of guilt that i only came back here when i either just went through a really bad mental breakdown, or when i just experienced a spiritual phenomenon or something. oh my God, i will never stop talking about how beautiful fox academy's songs are. anyways i got some pretty dark poems lmao here you go.

i want to stab-

okay nevermind it's creepy LMAO WTF. but i felt a little better now. i want to dance in the clouds with those ting-ding, dreamy, sounds as my background music. i want to laugh but i'm too tired now. i'm tired of walking on the eggshells everyday. i'm tired of smiling non-stop everyday because i'm afraid people will see when i'm frowning and they would think bad of me. i'm tired of literally everything. honestly i've said it countless times that i wish i could resign from the student council because of the amount of pressure it drops on me. well yeah, i totally understood that i could be much more relaxed and just do what i had to do without being scared like crazy every time. i picture myself sitting by a large window, legs folded tight to my chest while i visibly tremble. my eyes are moving wildly here and there, half-consciously watching the cars passing by in the rainy night. my mouth would open a little, i would let out a terrified noise--i wouldn't care. i would be laying down on the cold, dark green marble floors, i would think of random scenes of me stabbing my twin self crazily. okay that's straight up creepy. well at least that shows that i'm not feeling that dark anymore. i felt better and that's what matters now. it's getting cold here, and i kind of want to pee. oh wow, i just realized that i was so focused to my writings to the point that when i stops for a moment just some seconds ago, i suddenly thought, oh wow, i was alive. the world is still real around me. what a weird yet normal thought. God, my infp self is bursting like crazy through this writing. i felt like alice for some split seconds and i'm lovin it. i felt better. is this some sort of mantra that i said to assure myself that i'm getting okay each seconds i type words to this terrifying, lonely, white, blank, digital paper? probably. it'll still feel lonely even after i post this, wait i'm gonna post this???? um maybe? nobody in real life really knows that i have a fricking second blog that contains pretty much a lot of effed-up writings. so, f it. i'll regret it later but i don't know, maybe i would feel better after all of this? my writings are like delightfully sculpted inscription. my future self would be like, yuck, when they read this but hey, i tried, okay? i love you lmao. okay and by the way what the hell fox academy is a blessing to my spotify playlist, period. love xx wtf? okay yeah, love you.

OH MY GOD ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR LIKE 25 MINUTES? WOW. phew. woW.

SOUNDTRACKS :

- beauty salon - fox academy (and all the songs listed below are fox academy's too)

- fishing

- nascar

- metal

- bathtub water

- blue heaven

- junkyard

- snow

- hair die

- grieving

and a little bit of choking on flowers because i had to end it now so i could save this draft (maybe post it?) and pray maghrib. toodles!

special thanks to the back page of my economy notebook, my olive marker, my earphone, my spotify, willow smith, fox academy, my bed, my house, my God, my self. okay now toodles.

5/2/2021 - 6.35